I think I’m starting to forget.
It creeps up every few days then lingers right until the point where I might break. But my head is smart and I trust the deals it signs with reason. Until the next insignificant detail crosses my path. Details that spill out of a shoebox I meant to hide. Filled with moments, hours, smells, noises, notes on which fingers were interlocked, maps of left and right arms wrapped around, and ordinary spoken words recorded, shuffled, and played back.
I think I’m starting to forget.
At the time those moments are mostly just physical details around me that I didn’t realize my mind was registering. I never told myself to file them away organized by date, place, and time. But I made the unconscious decision to remember that we held hands THERE. We laughed HERE. Kissed EVERYWHERE. Those kisses that were like all the other kisses that welcomed hellos and sealed goodbyes. Unappreciated, not-even-a-half-a-though kisses that now consume my every recollection of that unimportant moment that now means everything. Everything I wish I could forget because it doesn’t help my bitterness and disappointment. So I just wait, distract, pretend, then eventually admit and accept. Because I am afraid. Afraid of that force. A greater force than all the unsuspecting, life altering feelings that pumped love through the roots that built my adolescent heart. Afraid, because if for so long it was so definite and painfully unquestioned then how is it that the (for)ever became (n)ever? There just aren’t enough evers to make all the “whatevers” undermine what it truly meant to have you by my side.
But I think I’m starting to forget.
Because that’s what happens when you fill up a shoebox and keep it safe. You forget, but only until you find it again in that same place.
I wonder sometimes about my heart and how it prepared itself to lead a rebellion.
People change, but only when they really need to. That’s when it’s especially hard because the other options obviously aren’t working. I fell in love when I was fifteen; I fell in love with one boy and stayed that way for eight years. It’s kind of awkward when you grew up and experienced so much, but with only one person. After it’s over all of a sudden all these insecurities you had as a barely teenage come back. Who’s going to love me? There’s no face to Mr. Right and there’s a chance there never will be.
I think that’s the most fucked up part about it, being so sure for so long and then doubting everything. Love isn’t what it seemed, what the hell changed? I guess that’s just it, nothing. At some point you kind of just float, but not in a good way. You float on only being nudged by those things barely important enough to sway you one way or another.
No one ever asks about the other person in a love song. It’s all about them; how they loved with all their love and it wasn’t enough. You know what? Most of the time, it isn’t enough.
I keep thinking about that ridiculous movie I watched a few months ago. In Tyler Perry’s Temptation, Judith is married to the only man she’s ever—well, anything basically. She is obviously unhappy and it takes a billionaire to make her realize what passion is. Don’t get ahead of yourselves though because we all know passion can lead to: cheating, cocaine, aids then a sad lonely life telling people your story pretending it was about your made up sister. At least that’s what Tyler Perry thinks.
Why did the miserable wife have to catch a fatal sexually transmitted disease on the first round of self expression? If Judith was as intelligent, ambitious, and centered as she is portrayed why does it only take some billionaire flirt for her to completely lose her ground? Maybe Judith doesn’t deserve that kind of story. The type where she divorces her unsupportive, birthday forgetting, dull husband that takes her for granted and finally goes out to find what she really deserves.
There is nothing wrong with listening to the voice inside that you’ve been ignoring for so long. Then we wonder about the resentment women feel towards men. Listen to your heart, but pay even more attention to your head.
Judith was right about people changing though, going through phases to become what they expect of themselves. I’m not sure we should avoid being tempted by these phases as the film suggest; change might be what we need after all.
Wanted to write a post about what I was feeling earlier today, then I started to think and type and I started to feel worse about it.
I don’t have to think about things as much as I do, but when I care I can’t help it. Hell, even if I don’t care I’ll rationalize why I don’t care. So that’s what I’m doing right rationalizing enough so I don’t write what I was originally feeling, because it wasn’t a good feeling.
Also, if I analyze it deep enough it becomes so silly I get over it. Not like denial, more like I realize how unimportant it is.
It’s funny when things like relationships, friendships, and all those other building blocks of life (amino acids, get it?… ok then) come into question way harder than you wanted them to.
So we’ll see, hoping I wake up feeling silly in the morning.
Do you ever get re-obsessed with a song? I do, all the damn time… it’s like a never ending cycle with these guys.
"cause I’m the one who’s gonna show, when there’s nobody…"
“I always wonder why birds choose to stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth, then I ask myself the same question.” ― Harun Yahya (Taken with Instagram)
ohbiteme asked: Hi, I love your blog and your outfits. I really want to wear shorts and bright skinnies, but my dad says that they won't look good on me because I'm short and my thighs are the biggest part of my body. Should I just wait and lose weight to wear them or just wear them now?
Hello! Thank you so much it’s lovely to hear that!
As far as body image goes, I would say embrace your curves! I definitely agree that certain styles may only fit specific body types… but I can’t imagine limiting shorts and skinny jeans completely just because someone thinks your legs are not your best asset. I am a firm believer of wearing what flatters you, even if it means having to go up a size or two. I know this can be scary for girls but who cares what the number on those jeans say if they make you look good by hugging you just the right amount in the right areas… I’d rather buy the size 9/10 and look like a 7/8 than buy the 7/8 and look like a 12. My advice is to go shopping and try on a BUNCH of shorts and skinnies in various sizes and styles… trust me you’re bound to find some flattering ones. If you’re concern with your thighs being accentuated go for longer shorts and pants that are higher at the waist (pants that come up higher elongate your hips and butt making you look longer… even I stay away from low rise).
Don’t hold back from wearing something you love just because others don’t think it’s a good idea, if it’s flattering, you look and feel good in them… go for it! (I had a similar problem for years, and still sometimes do, when it comes to heels… I’m 5’8” so a nice pair of heels make me over 6 feet tall, which can be overwhelming and made me extremely self conscious)
As far as loosing weight goes, I’m not sure how you feel (physically) about that aspect so I can’t really judge what you specifically should do. My simple advice would be that if you don’t like something about your body, there are things you can do to change. But what I always emphasize to my friends is to have REALISTIC GOALS for the way you want to look (if you aren’t meant to have a gap between your thighs or a big butt and small waist, then you’re not meant to look like that). Learn to accept your body, and embrace the potentially of what it could be. If you want to improve there’s nothing wrong with getting healthy! Baby steps, it doesn’t take much to make changes… daily walks, make better nutritional choices. If loosing weight is something you want to do for yourself than be smart about it and go for it! Health is wealth. ;D
Thanks for the q, best of luck with everything!